CONDOMS IN FILM: LITTLE DARLINGS (1980)

      Goaded by a snotty bitch cream rinse spokesmodel named Cinder (Krista Errickson), tough

ghetto white chick Angel (Kristy McNichol) is pitted against fabulously wealthy bunkmate Ferris

(Tatum O’Neal) into a race toward womanhood… whoever loses her virginity first wins! The

hunky dudes targeted for cherry-poppage duty are 30-ish athletics counselor Gary (sexy AF

Armand Assante) and Randy (young adorable Matt Dillon), a white-trash city-babe from the

boys’ camp across the lake… sporting Kristy’s exact same haircut and sweeping winged

bangs.

       Thanks to an incredibly rare script by two female writers, these well-cast girls are among the

realest of the decade — they may be obsessed with losing “it” and prone to peer pressure but

they’re also smart enough to be concerned with pregnancy the moment the de-virginizing

competition is broached, which leads to Grand Theft Schoolbus for an unsupervised field trip

to a gas station where 10-year-old cabin-mascot Penny (the hilarious Jenn Thompson) is

hoisted through the men’s room window and, faced with a defective condom vending machine,

pries the whole contraption off the wall, to be smuggled back to camp and broken open with a

crowbar in the woods, a jackpot of rubbers spilling out as they shriek with delight. Even

funnier is the Parents Day scene where a visiting mom opens her junior-high-age daughter’s

nightstand and is shocked speechless by the dozens of foil-packeted scumbags in the drawer.

      We wouldn’t dare spoil the results of Angel VS Ferris but WILL loudly declare McNichol’s

heartbreaking, flawless performance deserved an Oscar nomination. And that this is a true

unsung teen-flick classic providing both a potent nostalgia-fix and an excellent ice-breaker for

any parents like you who champion frankness and education over hypocrisy, embarrassment

and sex-phobic shaming. (You ARE following a condom distributor on Instagram after all).

      Unlike Angel & Ferris, today’s gals needn’t settle for the one brand of rubbers stocked in a

stolen men’s room vending machine — Paradise Marketing suggests the Lifestyles Ultra

Ribbed 40-Piece: specially lubricated for both partners’ maximum pleasure, their texture

provides extra stimulation… and the 40 sheaths per handy can barely smell like latex!

For the best in ribs, skip the fast-food drive-through and contact your Paradise Marketing rep!